Prepare to be…a “mama.”
I’ve always known I’ve wanted to be a mama. In the same way I’ve known I wanted to be a lawyer; or known I wanted to help people - change lives in a meaningful way. I knew that being a mama was something that was in my future, whether I Sandra Bullock’d motherhood or found a partner with whom I wanted to build a family with.
While I’ve always wanted to be a mama, when it came time to start planning for our family, discussions with my husband made me nervous. They made me nervous because, regardless of the fact that I wanted to have a child and was choosing to create our family, I (doused in guilt) was concerned about the impact of such a change on my career. I had reservations about the pregnancy process, weight gain, baby’s health, and other such concerns, but my anxiety was primarily tied to career.
I know that may sound silly, but if you know me, you know my life has been riddled with goal setting. From a very young age (6 to be exact), I began to set goals related to gymnastics and competition. Pushing myself in training for hours. My parents expected no less than straight A’s, so the balance was rigorous, but well worth it to me. I have always had my sights set farther out on achievements than my present moment. It has, in my opinion, been the reason that I have 1) been fearless in my approach to things seemingly impossible, unbothered by failure, and 2) the reason that I have been successful in attaining my goals. So career was no different. I had (still have) a roadmap of where I want to be; things I want to achieve in the short term, 5 years, 10 years, and beyond. That’s how I operate. And if a wrench gets thrown into those goals, I simply adapt to the change - whether a change in course, unexpected opportunities, or unanticipated challenges. Flexibility is key.
However, as a young in-house attorney, plowing my way through personal career goals and education, I struggled with pushing “pause,” even for a brief moment, on my momentum. The idea of maternity leave (which for me was SIX weeks), a forever change in family and personal dynamics, hormone and health changes, and the potentially altered mental state (not just with the possibility of postpartum depression, but also a rearranging of priorities), made me hit my anxious high. I took time to talk to career women and mentors I look up to. They confirmed what I had expected - the difficulty in continuing to rise ahead, albeit possible. I asked them all of the questions. I spoke with my husband, mother, sister, and friends. I worried. And as my belly grew and I continued to keep things as “normal” as could be, I began to feel like my future was spiraling beyond my control, uncertain about the type of person I would be on the other side of delivery, afraid to lose the sense of self I felt so confident and comfortable in.
Julius came late and quickly all at once. Two weeks overdue, our little chuckster came 21 hours following being induced into labor, but 26 minutes after my first push. And all of a sudden, I found myself holding a tiny being, skin to skin, a head full of dark, wispy hair. The rest was forgotten. I did not have complications in delivery and in general, had an “easy” pregnancy (I celebrated 6 months of pregnancy by running 6 miles and ran until 36 weeks). I didn’t have morning sickness. I gained 27 lbs. I had no complaints. But as the weight began to shed and I struggled through the process of breastfeeding, I did feel changed, but not in the ways I had so worried about. I maintained correspondence with my department, checked in on my e-mails, responded to matters that were simple and straightforward, and monitored workload taken on by my colleagues, but took the time to bond and connect with Julius.
My maternity leave was six weeks. Everyone I knew was shocked at the duration, particularly our friends in Europe whose maternity leave is 1 year+. My six weeks flew by. Upon my return to work, I dove in without skipping a beat. My parents and in-laws helped to space out time before Julius would be put into daycare at 12 weeks old. And we all adjusted accordingly. It was at that time I recalled something my sister (who is a physician and has her own business) had said after having twins - “I am a more efficient employee in motherhood.” Words had never rung more true. In the limitations of time, I found my stride in efficiency and certain sacrifices that came more naturally and easily than I anticipated.
What I learned in that process is that pregnancy is quite different and challenging in a variety of different ways for all. Each person has various concerns. Mine happened to be associated with career, as this is an important aspect of my self-identity. But, despite the fact that there’s no “right time” in having a baby (life will keep moving and evolving regardless), the adjustments come much more naturally when there is a tiny little guy who needs and loves you infinitely on the receiving end. That type of bond and love is absolutely worth every late night, extra scheduling chaos, and stressful day you might experience.
As women, we take on a lot of guilt and pressure solely created within our own expectations of ourselves as individuals. We expect perfection in execution. We want to be there for every friend, family member, and person who may need us, available at all times. We stretch, stretch, stretch ourselves, taking on more responsibility, activities, and to-dos without taking time to reflect or even say “no” in the spirit of self-care. We are unwavering in our pursuits to do it all. And that is the beauty of it - you can. As I have come to find, it takes a little more planning, time carving, and attention, but it is doable. Never let the fear or doubt in self be the reason you don’t confront a challenge, especially if that challenge is motherhood - because, let’s face it - pregnancy is the first step to endless adjustments, problem-solving, and “winging it” in motherhood. And it is a beautifully chaotic experience. One that will forever change you in the most wonderful, meaningful, and joyous ways. But please know, if motherhood is not something you envision for yourself, there’s no shame in that. You are entitled to that decision and are the only person who knows what is best for you. In each step of the way, whether into mamahood or not, be kind to yourself.
